Updated: May 1, 2021
A lot of relationship advice talks about how two people have come together filled with love, and how to deal with the sudden breakup and heartache. But it is essential people talk about the trauma that comes along with it.
Many of us in life go through indescribable things. It doesn't make sense. Hurts to think about. Breaks you down every time you replay certain memories. This is simply trauma. The peace your heart, mind and soul once had, has been disturbed by particular events that felt out of your control. For me, I went through so much, that emotionally I didn't think I could keep up with it anymore. I learnt to love, and I loved very hard. So hard, that I loved them more than I loved myself. That is where we usually go wrong.
It started as a dream, waking up every morning thanking God that I had met someone so pure and filled with qualities that I admired incredibly. Every day I was learning from them. How to be strong, how to stay focused, and how to work for what I want. It was more than I could have ever asked for. The love in this relationship was so overwhelming, it started to feel like a drug. I was getting my daily dose, and without it, I would feel as if I was having withdrawal symptoms. We found happiness in the smallest of things. We were teenagers in love, and unfortunately, we did not have the luxuries of money and time to do all the things we wanted to. But we made the most of the time we had together.
Almost 2 years in, the honeymoon phase was completely over. The cracks started to show, so quickly and so drastically it fell apart before my very eyes. I didn't notice it until it felt like it was too late. Out of nowhere, they were no longer interested in being in a relationship. Suddenly I wasn't good enough, made their life harder, and was stopping them from being happy.
And all I did was love.
I loved so hard that sometimes it would make me feel sick. If I couldn't see happiness in their eyes, I wouldn't see happiness in my own. Their tears were my tears. Their struggle was my struggle. Their pain was my pain. I would travel hours every week to see them. Just so they couldn't cry or be stressed out alone. But was my tears their tears, my struggle their struggle, or my pain their pain? No. And the harsh reality is, no matter how much you do for someone. It may never be enough.
They demanded a break; but I took the initiative to end the relationship. It was an immensely heart-breaking and painful thing to do. Breaks majority of the time don't work. It means and does absolutely nothing. So, if your partner ever suggests a break and you know you don’t want it, put your foot down. Remember your worth. You are either wanted or not. No amount of time apart should be the deciding factor. You can't pick and choose when to love. True love is impossible to ignore.
Soon after the first break up, they came running back. Unable to bear the idea of me being with someone else. Throwing the words marriage and babies into the mix. Completely pulling me back into the idea of a relationship. Really and truly I missed them so much. It felt as if a part of me had gone missing. So, when they returned, that part felt relieved that my heart wouldn't have to hurt anymore.
For the first few months of being back together, it was amazing. There were surprises, love, and so much care. All the things people in a loving relationship deserve. But of course, it did not last.
All the things that were said was a tactic used to deceive, trap, and use me to their benefit. Abusing the abundance of love, I had for them. My head was now consumed by the idea of a relationship. The love was overwhelming.
Again, how I felt suddenly didn't matter anymore. They would barely contact me. I was forcing conversations. But every time they needed someone, they would pick up the phone, and I will be the first person they tell.
Being selfless can be a weakness. It costs so many people their self-respect and love. Leaving them to accept horrible and inexcusable behaviour.
No longer sure if they want to be in the relationship with you? Initiate the breakup immediately. That's what I had to do.
After we had broken up again, I don't think I had ever cried that much in my life. That amount of pain can feel like a blow torch to the heart. Struggling to breathe, eyes swollen and chest feeling tight. And you just want it to stop.
We broke up on our anniversary milestone, a journey, and an achievement. No matter how long you spend with someone, it doesn't increase the value of a relationship. A three-month relationship can hold more value than a one-year relationship. Years can feel like just a number, but it was a period of time that held so many memories and hardships with an incredible amount of love that was shared.
After the trauma of the emotional rollercoaster, and the verbal lashings I endured. I was set free from a relationship that really could have been the death of me. Such relationships can be so draining. You lose control of yourself emotionally.
This is the point where you need to seek help. It is especially important to not deal with such emotions alone. The mind has its ways of trapping and consuming you in negativity.
Unfortunately, I didn’t seek help immediately, therefore leading to my wild decision making and unrealistic expectations. I couldn't help but hear their voice or know how they were doing. This one mistake lead to us eventually getting back together and spending another
intimate period of time in each other's company.
I know, weak, weak, weak. I can't express in words the regrets I have for even calling them that very day. But it was not as easy as just avoiding such a trap. But you can't hold onto regret forever, it will eat you up. Accepting your mistake and learning from them allows life to move forward with a lot more ease. Just don't repeat them.
"I don't know if I can live without you", is one of the most selfish and heartless things a person could say. More precisely, because a lot of them really don’t mean it. When overcome with an unbearable amount of emotion, people will say and do things just to get their way. And they certainly do not care about the impact such words will have on another person. Guilt-tripping someone into getting back with you is a form of narcissistic behaviour; only deeming their emotions and needs as important. Through this, I fell hard again, only for it to be ripped away.
It finally ended for good after nearly three years, it ended because it is what they wanted. Even despite them visiting me shortly before the breakup and being incredibly affectionate. It was all part of an act to get their way. In other words, manipulation. Their behaviour was intentional, deceitful, and selfish. I was broken, and couldn’t comprehend what I did so wrong in my life to deserve all the pain I had to endure.
Counselling has helped people come out of such toxic and emotionally damaging relationships to tell their story. You communicate without judgement, notice what went wrong and learn from it. We will be good enough for someone one day, but your (toxic) ex is simply not good enough for you.
It was not our fault things ended the way they did. We will all go through heartbreak; it is how you deal with it that speaks volumes. Accepting it is the end is a eye-opening moment. You could be consumed with so many different emotions. From relief to sadness. Yes, you saw the good in them, but the bad consumes that completely. Don't hold onto the good times, remember and learn from the bad.
You are free.
Your truth is your life.