Updated: May 2, 2021
How do we tell ourselves we will be okay? Despite being beaten down and made to feel like we aren't good enough.
How do we wake up every morning saying it will be a better day? Even when you feel so low that life doesn't seem to hold the same value.
It's okay to cry. Letting out emotion is significant if you want to get better. I spent an incredible amount of time calculating how many days, weeks, and months I could go without shedding a single tear. Trying to convince myself that it was proof of my progress. But all I did in this time was set myself up for a breakdown. A moment where all my emotions would spill out of me; uncontrollably. There is nothing in that moment you can do to stop that pain. It's a physical pain in your heart. It feels that way anyway, but let it run its course.
I'm sorry I let myself hurt for so long.
I'm sorry I didn't say anything.
I'm sorry I stayed around someone so incredibly heartless.
I'm sorry I put someone else before myself.
I'm sorry I didn't value myself enough to walk away sooner.
I'm sorry I gave countless chances knowing they will probably never change.
I'm sorry I was so hopeful over someone that wasn't even worth it.
I am so sorry.
I had to take accountability for my own mistakes, walking into traps that were pointed out to me. Ignoring those who would have done anything to save me, people who were showing love to me, and those who wanted to support me.
It's essential not to regret our mistakes. From everything that I have been through, I have learnt an incredible amount of lessons. Lessons I can teach to my friends and most importantly use in the future. An abuser knows exactly how to manipulate their victim, produce an element of dependency, and take away their self-respect. A broken person will break people. Whilst they smile for the camera, they are destroying someone who is trying to love them.
A damaged painting can always be fixed. Through time, patience, and carefulness it can look brand new. It may take some time to mix the right colours, and some practice to discover the best brushes. But once you have determined what is most fitting to create the work of art, you will bring back the value the image once had.
It always felt like it was impossible to genuinely smile again. But I had to surround myself around the right people to keep myself strong.
If not, an impending mistake awaits.
They will always come back trying to take advantage of your vulnerability. Not because they want you, but just because they know they can. Texting you out of nowhere and making promises just to worm themselves back into your life. They will even beg to see you, want to spend time with you, and even have a new partner whilst still pleading with you. The lengths they will go to just to destroy you says a lot more about them than it does about you.
Keep focused on what is most important. Your family, education, friends, and YOUR LIFE.
Channel your pain, suffering, and emotions into your goals. Push for success, push for better, push to build a better version of you.
Your wellbeing should always come first. Take care of yourself before anyone else. Love yourself before anyone else. Be your own number one fan. Because the day you wake up and realise how strong, powerful, and phenomenal you are, the world can not stop you. You will meet incredible people, learn to love differently and appreciate the smaller things in life. And I promise you, the moment you explore all these things; when you finally sit down and look back, you will realise you almost lost your life to someone so incredibly useless. The only thing they could bring to the table was the pain.
I will not tell you that everything will get better overnight. There will be good days, terrible days, and alright days. But as long as you try to seek for the life you deserve; it will come to you. Love will come to you. Success will come to you. Happiness will come to you. But you have to call before you receive it. Don't roll over, cross your fingers, and hope for the best. Sit up, check yourself, and get to work.
'I don't want to be madly in love again... I want to be healthy in love, sanely in love, and peacefully in love.'
But without respect, love will not prevail.